212.4

In a few days on this protocol, I will be under 210 pounds. That's pretty good for under a week and a half, but I am afraid that the new supply won't get here before i run out of this batch. I better be careful. I've been getting hungry too; I'm using a smaller dosage. I devoured a salad last night.

Anyway, its not as bad as all that. I think I can get away with taking the shot on Monday and Wednsday in school before classes. That way I'm not taking the shots too early in the morning. It is usually around 9:00 to 10:00 and moving it up to 7am might be pushing it.

Anyway...
40 37 48

215.0

Plateau already?

Water hydration is up though?

Water retention too?

clothes still don't fit. Tight this morning.

I hate dressing when my clothes are tight. i have to lose another ten for the pressure to back off.

Took off my favorite black pants becuase buttoning was too tight.

scared things are going sour.

mixed and took shot today.

Feel like shots are not mixed well enough. Dose is too low.

Afraid I'll be the exception with the immediate response to immune to the drug

its not the world; its me i hate.

215.0

Pastrami sandwich with extra mayo and cheese

A cheeseburger with extra cheese, cooked medium rare with lettuce and tomato

French fries with salt and a ittle ketchup from the diner on 347.

or,

more grilled beef

more grilled chicken

onions

homemade mustard

Pleasure is becoming a thing of the past; I keep thinking that when this diet is over, the things i love above will become unappetizing to me.

TV is the devil; every single moment has an advertising for buying or eating more food; i can get off that, too.

I was hungry last night; never starving; just hungry.

Today I will ahve to see if i can stand the "day off" bit.

It will take at least three weeks on the program before i can go off for a bit an eat a summer meal. This is just week one. Two more weeks. Figure that will put me at 200 pounds, if i still lose at least a pound a day; otherwise, we are looking at prolonged exposure to failure.

After that, there is the next three week, wich should get me to that 190 mark i want before this phase is over; I'm still thinking by the time Aga comes back i will be able to eat for six weeks, then go back on the program. I can also do a 3 weel stunc and then three weeks off, then another three weeks. But it won't "cure" my disease. Hmmmm.

217.0

Fear is surfacing again. Fear of loss gives rise to superstition and paranoia.

With ten pounds off in four days, I am anticipating a stall. Why? Things too good to be true are not mine. Again with the belief; expectation of disappointment. Its lame and repetitive but its tattooed to my psyche. Today I have a journal to write that will help me understand these self-fulfilling destructive prophecies. For now, I will successfully be well under 200 pounds in six weeks, and I will end this program between 189 and 195. I am 167 pounds and I need only realize it over the next 5 and 1/2 weeks.

219.4

42, 38, 48. The numbers.

Belief is a powerful tool. I see my thoughts. I am in the most profound state of doubt. And when you doubt, its hard to imagine why you should be doing this at all. Last night I wanted to can the whole project. My brain felt tight with all the concentrating on doing the right thing. Really, it sucked! It seems completely impossible that on the third day of this "diet" I am easily 8 pounds lighter...in three days? I am just waiting for the scale to slow down to a couple of ounces a day; that i can believe becuase I believe I am such a hard winner; that means i just believe the universe won't give me anthing easily; I have to fight every step of the way and prepare for big disappointments. The funny thing is that i am hoping the universe has mercy, but it is more likely, the universe doesn't particularly care. I think of the universe as a paradoxical indifferent sympathetic entity. Still, I have to get this out of my head. I will lose 2 pounds a day until it becomes one and then, when this program is over, I will be what I am, 167 pounds.

The numbers...If I lose one pounds per day, then I will be from 219 to, let's see, i have 40 days left, so that means i will be 189 pounds when this one is over (that's 31 pounds). Then I go away for six weeks, eating protein and veggies. Drinking my coffee and tea. No dairy, starch or sugar. I'll bring the stevia. When I come back in August, I begin again and then it is just another 22 pounds to lose. I should be good by October 1.

Please universe; hear me; I need to live; i need to be out of this house in my head; I need my body, health, and career, : I need love. Not romantic love, although I want that, but Eros. Be fair. Be less cruel this year.

222.4

The numbers lie; that's what i think; I must have been retaining a shit load of water; that;s what i think; i can never believe that good happens. Why is that?

I lost almost 5 pounds. Things will slow down, but i am shocked. In the next few days i wonder how many pounds I'll drop. I've got to check out somethig about underarm deodorant. I am taking the shot now and then i will relax a little; maybe go to school.

5 pounds, one day. Wow. Will that go on? 5 pounds in one week is considered great; what's up with the one day? Fantastic and shocking!

On reread, I am really negative; a sing of great disappointments and defense.

227.8

Day One.

Nervous.

Learn how to make beef.

Org. Lettuce and Grapefruit and apples.

Water and tea

Vitamins

228.6

This evening i took my weight for the last time off the program; it is EXTREME to think i can pull off what this program is asking of me. you don't know; I just don't see myself thin and happy. I just don't see it but i am going to try to see beyond the pain. i did afterall quit smoking.